Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
No Google it does not
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.