[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
and now we wait
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??