Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
plant them where lol
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time