Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*