[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
That took me a moment.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?