[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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*jazz hands*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The Book. The Movie.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant