Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
You Might Also Like
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing