Are you ok, human???
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.