future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
mathematically impossible
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.