Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Well, this certainly took a turn
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Favourite diary entry ever
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
the worm is coming from inside the brain
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant