Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps