Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go