I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.