Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.