who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
You Might Also Like
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
why would tinder want me to say this
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
No, he would not have.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap