Remember folks 馃槀
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Her: What鈥檚 your type?
Me, flirting: I don鈥檛 really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
{concert}
lead singer: WHO鈥橲 READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Get in, there鈥檚 no time to explain.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.