[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long