My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?