Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Herpes is trending, good job people
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.