Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom