This kinda thing happens to me often
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.