Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.