ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
become ungovernable
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Carpe DM
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I have never related to anyone more.