My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts