In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I found your tweet-up…
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you