me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’