Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.