the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
i did the math
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.