I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety