date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Sending in my taxes
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Never forget.