There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship