Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?