The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late