Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.