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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
How does one answer this?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.