PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.