Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
The government even made aliens boring
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
#Caturday
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT