I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
english majors be like furthermore
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My dating profile:
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
She: I like Cats
He:
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”