[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Meat Cute
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.