“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you