I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*