Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
This is hilarious….
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry