Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.