As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.