Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.