[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.