Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.