i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
HERE’S MARKY
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
This will never not be funny to me.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*