Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class