I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
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☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.